7 Legit Reasons You Should Never Squat

It has been said countless times that "squats are king." Quite frankly, I am tired of hearing this nonsense. Not only are barbell squats the most dangerous exercise on the planet, but they also don't hold a candle to leg presses for overall leg mass. We all know this.

With this reality in mind, let's take a look at 7 other reasons why you should never squat.

Reason #1 - The Smith machine is more efficient

The Smith machine allows you to squat in a straight line. Barbell squats do not follow a fixed path. Why is this important? Simple:

The shortest distance between two points is a straight line.

Nothing more needs to be said. It's geometry and science! Smith machines are scientifically proven to be more efficient.

When an exercise is more efficient, it's more effective and safer. Simple.

Reason #2 - No one cares about lower body size anyway

Really, no one cares about leg size. Hang your arms out the window of a car and everyone notices. Hang your legs out the window, and well...you just look like an idiot.

Have you ever seen a "welcome to the wheel show" t-shirt? Nope, and you never will. Welcome to the gun show, bro!

Tom Platz aside, leg size is simply not cool. Who wants their quads to balloon up while they maintain the same size waist? This makes it darn near impossible to find jeans and pants that fit. You know how it goes...you have to purchase pants to fit your legs, but they end up being 3 sizes too large for your waist.

The result? Pants on the ground. Pants on the ground. Looking like a fool with your pants on the ground.

Reason #3 - You can't text while squatting

You can't text while squatting, but on leg extensions you can. Bro, what good is a workout if you can't instantly post updates of your epic, 17 minute sets on Facebook?

Heck, I've seen dudes sit at the leg extension station for an entire hour texting...and texting...and texting, all the while performing 2,000 reps with "only" 10 pounds. Not only is this a great workout, but you can also multitask and chat on Facebook.

Even though this is an insanely low weight, the amount of volume you are performing is intense. Think about it: 2,000 reps multiplied by 10 pounds equals 20,000 total pounds of work. That's crazy, bro! Crazy!

You would have to perform nearly 150 reps of squats using 135 pounds each to reach that volume level. No one in their right mind would try this. It's way too much work.

Reason #4 - Quarter squats are more impressive

Forget deep squats. Quarter squats allow you to utilize more weight.

In addition, quarter squats are anterior chain dominant. For those of you keeping score at home, this means that they work the front side of your body more heavily. Duh! Isn't this what you want from a quads exercise anyway?

You aren't squatting to build a bigger posterior chain. Who wants massive hamstrings and a big old butt anyway? I sure don't.

A leg exercise should...well...work your quads. If you're going to squat at all, avoid deep squats and stress your quads with some anterior-heavy quarter squats. Gainz!

Reason #5 - Squats reduce libido

There is this notion that squats do everything from cure cancer to spike your testosterone levels. This is false. We all know what happens after a brutal squat session. All we want to do is eat and sleep.

This urge to rest is a sign of a bigger problem. If you have lost all desire to...well...do "other things," it's almost a given that your testosterone levels and libido have sunk like the Titanic.

Reason #6 - No spot, no squat

It's hard enough to find someone at the gym that actually knows how to deep squat. With that said, do you really want half-squatters and quarter-squatters spotting you when you are trying to go ass to grass?

No, and no.

Squats are dangerous enough without adding an inept spotter into the equation. You are already risking your knee, lower back and spine health. If this isn't bad enough, you are asking for more trouble by allowing a "newb" to spot you. Do you want to worry that a rookie spotter might potentially touch the bar as you try to lock out that 185 pound squat PR. No way.

Reason #7 - Squats make you slow

Lower body mass makes you bulky and slow. We all know that.

Being muscle bound is a good thing if you have no interest in being athletic. Do any of us really want to slow down with age? I certainly don't.

Add to this equation a withering lower back and knees, and you have become a human turtle.

Conclusion

April Fools! If you've read this far and thought these were legit reasons, sorry. We were messing with you.

Squat on!