Store Menu

AjRMS8600 · 03-09-2007, 08:20 PM

A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators.

The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doctor piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.

The old man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.

The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned.

"Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."

The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."

Saurus · 03-27-2007, 07:50 AM

A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?"

The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?"

The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer."

The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?"
The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?"

The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again."

The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?"

Saurus · 03-28-2007, 08:24 AM

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."

The old rooster says "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by, one right behind the other. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM! -- he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Damn...third gay rooster I've bought this month."

Michael Power · 03-28-2007, 03:29 PM

you've probably heard them but here you go.....
1.why did the chicken go to the loo/because thats where all the cocks hang out.2 your mums so fat she fell in the grand canyone and got stuck.3 your mums so fat when she wears her rain coat people yell "taxi".4 what did the biscuit say when it got run over "oh crumbs".5 what did the big chimney say to the little chimney "your to young to smoke".6 deafinision of dumbness/being blonde.

Saurus · 04-10-2007, 07:42 AM

Doug · 04-12-2007, 05:54 PM

This one is PRICELESS! And should make you laugh!

MASTERCARD wedding ..(You gotta love this guy)

This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson
University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it
on his Tonight Show.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests...

After the wedding at the reception the groom got up on stage with a
microphone to talk to the crowd.

He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long
distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the bride's family and his family and to
thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a
special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair,
including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his
gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.

Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex
with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier
and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After just standing there, just watching the guests'
reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said,
"F--- you!"

Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!"
Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He
had the marriage annulled first thing the next morning. While most
people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out
about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing
were wrong.

His revenge ... making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300
guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and
best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This
guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think we might get a MasterCard
"priceless" commercial out of this?

Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and
friends............$32,000.

Wedding photographs commemorating the
occasion...............................$ 3,000.

Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in
Maui..................................$ 8,500.

The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride
humping the best man....................................Priceless.

There are some things money can't buy,for everything else there's ....MASTERCARD

Tripper · 04-12-2007, 06:02 PM

That's awesome. That guy is a genius!

Shaun · 04-12-2007, 07:11 PM

lol, love it!

Doug · 04-12-2007, 07:51 PM

CHINESE PROVERBS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Saurus · 04-13-2007, 08:40 AM

Definitions By Gender...

"THINGY":
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

"VULNERABLE":
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.

"COMMUNICATION":
Female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.

"BUTT":
Female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what is worn.
Male: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning.

"COMMITMENT":
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with girlfriend.

"ENTERTAINMENT":
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.

"FLATULENCE":
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding.

03-09-2007, 08:20 PM	#81 (permalink)
AjRMS8600 Frequent Poster Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: USA Gender: Male Training Exp: 1-2 Years Current Goal: Other Photos: AjRMS8600's Gallery Posts: 742 Rep Power: 10	A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators. The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doctor piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright. The old man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright. The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned. "Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place." The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart." Last edited by AjRMS8600; 03-09-2007 at 08:27 PM.

03-27-2007, 07:50 AM	#82 (permalink)
Saurus Stealth Mod Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Pretoria, South Africa Gender: Male Training Exp: 5-10 Years Current Goal: Build Muscle Photos: Saurus's Gallery Posts: 2,748 Rep Power: 70	A 60-year-old man went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told him, "You're in terrific shape. There's nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever. You have the body of a 35 year old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?" The 60 year old responded, "Who said he was dead?" The doctor was surprised and asked, "How old is he and is he very active?" The 60 year old responded, "Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer." The doctor couldn't believe it. "Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?" The 60 year old responded again, "Who said he was dead?" The doctor was astonished. He said, "You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?" The 60 year old said, "He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again." The doctor said, "At 106 years old, why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?" His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Who said he wanted to?" __________________ A person is only as big as the dream they dare to live.

03-28-2007, 08:24 AM	#83 (permalink)
Saurus Stealth Mod Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Pretoria, South Africa Gender: Male Training Exp: 5-10 Years Current Goal: Build Muscle Photos: Saurus's Gallery Posts: 2,748 Rep Power: 70	A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time to retire." The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over." The old rooster says "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start." The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by, one right behind the other. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM! -- he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Damn...third gay rooster I've bought this month." __________________ A person is only as big as the dream they dare to live.

04-10-2007, 07:42 AM	#85 (permalink)
Saurus Stealth Mod Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Pretoria, South Africa Gender: Male Training Exp: 5-10 Years Current Goal: Build Muscle Photos: Saurus's Gallery Posts: 2,748 Rep Power: 70	Easter __________________ A person is only as big as the dream they dare to live.

04-12-2007, 05:54 PM	#86 (permalink)
Doug Trusted Advisor Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: UK Gender: Male Training Exp: 20+ Years Current Goal: Build Muscle Photos: Doug's Gallery Posts: 29,814 Rep Power: 1201	This one is PRICELESS! And should make you laugh! MASTERCARD wedding ..(You gotta love this guy) This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it on his Tonight Show. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests... After the wedding at the reception the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's family and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception. As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was a manila envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing the next morning. While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge ... making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think we might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this? Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends............$32,000. Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion...............................$ 3,000. Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui..................................$ 8,500. The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man....................................Priceless. There are some things money can't buy,for everything else there's ....MASTERCARD __________________ Doug Not Joined The Forum Yet?? CLICK HERE TO REGISTER. *** My Articles and Workouts Page - Click Here** * My fitness Centre Site - Gemini Fitness Centre * My Nutrition & Diet site - Coming Soon "You can't out-train a lousy diet"

Store Menu

Find Deals

Get Help

Forum

Photo Gallery

Articles Menu

Featured

Authors

Browse Videos

600+ Exercise Videos

Main Categories

Single Muscle Group

M&S Store

Supplement Guides

Ingredient Fact Sheets

Categories

Healthy Recipes

Athlete Profiles

Events

Organizations

Fitness Tools

03-28-2007, 03:29 PM	#84 (permalink)
Michael Power Banned Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: uk Gender: Male Training Exp: Just Started Current Goal: Build Muscle Photos: Michael Power's Gallery Posts: 171 Rep Power: 0	you've probably heard them but here you go..... 1.why did the chicken go to the loo/because thats where all the cocks hang out.2 your mums so fat she fell in the grand canyone and got stuck.3 your mums so fat when she wears her rain coat people yell "taxi".4 what did the biscuit say when it got run over "oh crumbs".5 what did the big chimney say to the little chimney "your to young to smoke".6 deafinision of dumbness/being blonde.

04-12-2007, 06:02 PM	#87 (permalink)
Tripper M&S Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Ontario, Canada Gender: Male Training Exp: 1-2 Years Current Goal: Build Muscle Photos: Tripper's Gallery Posts: 787 Rep Power: 13	That's awesome. That guy is a genius!

04-12-2007, 07:11 PM	#88 (permalink)
Shaun - Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: UK, London Gender: Male Training Exp: 4-5 Years Current Goal: Build Muscle Photos: Shaun's Gallery Posts: 4,394 Rep Power: 139	lol, love it! __________________ - - Join the Forum for FREE View my Articles & Workouts View my Workout Log "You get out what you put in"

04-12-2007, 07:51 PM	#89 (permalink)
Doug Trusted Advisor Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: UK Gender: Male Training Exp: 20+ Years Current Goal: Build Muscle Photos: Doug's Gallery Posts: 29,814 Rep Power: 1201	CHINESE PROVERBS ~~~~~~~~~ Man who run in front of car get tired. ~~~~~~~~~ Man who run behind car get exhausted. ~~~~~~~~~ Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok ~~~~~~~~~ Man with one chopstick go hungry. ~~~~~~~~~ Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails. ~~~~~~~~~ Man who eat many prunes get good run for money. ~~~~~~~~~ Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk. ~~~~~~~~~ Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth. ~~~~~~~~~ War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left. ~~~~~~~~~ Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house. ~~~~~~~~~ Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night. ~~~~~~~~~ It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it. ~~~~~~~~~ Man who drive like hell, bound to get there. ~~~~~~~~~ Man who stand on toilet is high on pot. ~~~~~~~~~ Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement. ~~~~~~~~~ Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. ~~~~~~~~~ Man who fart in church sit in own pew. ~~~~~~~~~ Crowded elevator smell different to midget. ~~~~~~~~~ __________________ Doug Not Joined The Forum Yet?? CLICK HERE TO REGISTER. *** My Articles and Workouts Page - Click Here** * My fitness Centre Site - Gemini Fitness Centre * My Nutrition & Diet site - Coming Soon "You can't out-train a lousy diet"

04-13-2007, 08:40 AM	#90 (permalink)
Saurus Stealth Mod Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Pretoria, South Africa Gender: Male Training Exp: 5-10 Years Current Goal: Build Muscle Photos: Saurus's Gallery Posts: 2,748 Rep Power: 70	Definitions By Gender... "THINGY": Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. "VULNERABLE": Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male: Playing football without a helmet. "COMMUNICATION": Female: The sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Leaving a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. "BUTT": Female: The body part that "looks bigger" no matter what is worn. Male: What you slap when someone scores a touchdown, home run, or goal. Also good for mooning. "COMMITMENT": Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Trying not to pick up other women while out with girlfriend. "ENTERTAINMENT": Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking. "FLATULENCE": Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression, and male bonding. __________________ A person is only as big as the dream they dare to live.

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Email this Page
Display Modes
Linear Mode Switch to Hybrid Mode Switch to Threaded Mode