The Joke Thread

[Doug]

Originally Posted by Gerald Mac II

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

"What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten *****," she screams. "My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!"

Thats funny, liked that one....

[Saurus]

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped
her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once
more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about
the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.
As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than
before. Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and
said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped
your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never
heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded, " yes..... Pepper."

[Shaun]

lmao!

[Gerald Mac II]

Three third graders from Tennessee (an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid) are on the play ground at recess.
The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game.
"Let's see who has >the largest weenie," he says. "Okay." They all agree.
The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Irish kid.He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.
Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.
"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called "Let's see who has the largest weenie.
"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother. "Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?
Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one!"

[Saurus]

Pmsl :d

[Saurus]

Three little ducks go into a Bar.

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the
first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of
puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to
the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in
and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said,
"So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."

[Tripper]

Originally Posted by Saurus

Three little ducks go into a Bar.

"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the
first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of
puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to
the second duck, "Hi,
and what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in
and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said,
"So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."

Classic. Lol nice one!

[Doug]

After her surgery for a Virgina tuck, Mrs Jones received three bunches of flowers with thank you cards attached. First one was from her husband to say, I love you. The second was from the surgeon to say, everything went well. The third was from Eric in the burns unit to say thank you for his new ears....

[Damien]

Originally Posted by Doug

After her surgery for a Virgina tuck, Mrs Jones received three bunches of flowers with thank you cards attached. First one was from her husband to say, I love you. The second was from the surgeon to say, everything went well. The third was from Eric in the burns unit to say thank you for his new ears....

hahaha!

[Saurus]

Johnny wanted to make love to a girl in his class, but she belonged to someone else.

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said: "I'll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me have you", but the girl just said "No!"

Johnny said: "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says: "Ask him for 2000 dollars, by the time you pick up the money he won't even be able to get his pants down." So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Fifteen minutes goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Half an hour... Finally after 45 mins the boyfriend desperately calls and asks what happened. She replied: "The bas***d used coins!!!"