The Joke Thread

[Saurus]

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. The blonde opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."

"Shut up," she says. "You're next."

Not the greatest joke but its decent:

A Mexican family was considering putting their grand
father in a nursing home.Unfortunately, all the
Catholic facilities were completely full so they had
to put him in a Jewish home.

After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to
visit their abuelo."How do you like it here?" asks the
grandson.It's wonderful.Everyone here is so courteous
and respectful," says grandpa.

We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was
the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a
little different from everyone."

Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they
treat the residents here grandpa says with a big
smile.

There's a musician here--he's 85 years old.He hasn't
played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls
him "Maestro".

There is a judge in here--he's 95 years old. He hasn't
been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls
him "Your Honor".

And there's a physician here that is 90 years old. He
hasn't practiced medicine for 25 years and everyone
still calls him "Doctor"

And me, I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still
call me: "The ****ing Mexican"

[Saurus]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been
unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."

haha that was jokes man

[Saurus]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.... Would you remarry?

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Oh sh*t."

[Shaun]

lad asks his dad 'Dad, wats the difference between Theory and Reality?'

dad: 'well... i'll let you see for yourself.... go and ask your mother if she would shag the postman for £1million'

so the lad asks his mam 'would you sleep with the postman for 1mil'

mam says 'hmm.. yeah for 1 mil i would do it'

so the lad goes back and tells his dad she said yeah
his dad says 'rite now go ask your sister if she would shag the milkman for 2 million'

so he asks his sister and she says 'hmm yeah for 2 million i would definitly do it!'
so he tells his dad that she said yes aswel and his dad goes 'well there you have it thats the difference between theory and reality...'

the lad says he doesn't understand

dad: 'Well.... In theory are family is worth 3 million quid. But in reality we're living with a couple of slags'

[Saurus]

Brilliant, mate.

[Russ]

haha nice one Shaun... One of Jethro's? [being Cornish, I love him ]

Russ.

[Russ]

Just found a new prostitute who charges by the inch, obviously I can't afford her so I thought I'd let you guys get in the know.

[Saurus]

A Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff --- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do
you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"