The Joke Thread

[MissKelly]

Okay so mines Cute and Clean.. I laughed real hard...guess its just me haha


Help Wanted

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the
window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type,
must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal
Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the
sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his
tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The
office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least.
However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be
able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and
proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and
trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on
the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign
says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog
proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and
produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the
manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked
at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog
and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give
you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw
on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be
bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

[ThunderChickenVa]

This is kinda crude, but funny...hope it doesnt offend anyone...

A guy has been laying in the sand on the beach all day and decides to go home. Walking up the street he sees a gorgeous prostitute and asks her "how much?", "20 dollars" she replies. He agrees and they go into her apartment and start having sex. Halfway through she farts twice. He hesitates, but keeps on going. Once he's done he gets dressed and throws her 25 dollars. "But we agreed on 20" she said, "whats the tip for?". He replies, "the extra 5 bucks is for blowing the sand off my balls".

[Possum]

Originally Posted by ThunderChickenVa

This is kinda crude, but funny...hope it doesnt offend anyone...

A guy has been laying in the sand on the beach all day and decides to go home. Walking up the street he sees a gorgeous prostitute and asks her "how much?", "20 dollars" she replies. He agrees and they go into her apartment and start having sex. Halfway through she farts twice. He hesitates, but keeps on going. Once he's done he gets dressed and throws her 25 dollars. "But we agreed on 20" she said, "whats the tip for?". He replies, "the extra 5 bucks is for blowing the sand off my balls".

Haha thats so minging

[bucko91]

On day a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde were on their way to heaven.

God told them the stairs to heaven were 1,000 steps and on every step he was going to tell them a joke. If they laughed they would not be able to get to heaven.

So the redhead made it to the 45th step and laughed.

The brunette made it to the 200th step and laughed.

But the blonde made it to the 999th step and laughed even before god told his joke.

God asked "Why did you laugh I haven't even told the joke yet"

The blonde said "I know I just now got the first one!!! "

[Reaper6]

What does a walrus and tupper wear have in common?

Their both looking for a tight seal.

[Saurus]

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar, and turns to the astonished patrons: "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the 'gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval.

The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The 'gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The 'gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blond woman timidly spoke up..........
"I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

[Doug]

Originally Posted by Saurus

A Cajun walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

Hilarious....

[HDJoe]

Not a joke, but still funny

Comments heard at Olympic events the
owner's would really like to take back!


Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."


Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."


Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."


Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."


Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."


Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."


At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."


Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

[JBird86]

A guy walks into a bar and sits down to have a drink. He turns around and sees a horse in the middle of the room with a sign above his head that says "Make me laugh and win $1,000". The guy finishes his drink and decides to take a shot at it. He walks over and whispers in the horses ear and instantly the horse bursts out laughing. The man takes his money and continues on with his day.
A few weeks later the same man walks into the same bar and sees the same horse in the center of the room. This time theres a sign over the horse that says "Make me cry and win $1,000". The man walks over to the horse and the horse instantly starts crying. The man sits at the bar to have a drink and when the bartender comes to give him the money he says to the man, "I have to know how you pulled that off twice"; the man replied "its simple, the first time I told him my dick was bigger than his, the second time I showed him"

[JBird86]

Q: Why cant Hellen Keller drive?

A: Cuz shes a woman