The Joke Thread

[Messiah]

I found some of these on a danish site and some of the others around the internet - and i think they are hilarious:

How to have fun in an elevator:
"Things To Do In An Elevator... "

When people get on, ask for their tickets.

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Mike. How's your day been?"

When the doors close, menacingly announce that "It's going to be a bumpy
ride."

Constantly bounce a tennis ball.

Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, say "that's mine!"

Stand in the corner reading a telephone book, laughing.

Take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

Turn off the lights in the elevator to "conserve energy."

Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

Push your floor button with your nose.

Stand alone, and when the doors open tell people trying to get on that the car is full and that they should wait for the next one.

Swat at flies that don't exist.

Ride naked.

Push the top floor button and announce that you tried to kill yourself yesterday but the other building wasn't high enough.

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

Ask, "Did you feel that? I felt a rumble."

When there's no one around: leave a box between the doors.

If you're in an overcrowded elevator, place yourself in the back and say: "i don't feel so good"

Bring a cooler with the text "Human Head"

Say "DING!" at every floor.

And my own favorites:
Laugh maniacally for 15 seconds - stop and look at the other people like they were completely insane

When the elevator goes up: Jump and start screaming "Down I said! DOWN!"

- Mess

[Possum]

^ HAha some of those were hilarious

[bbaker352]

A little boy and his grandfather were fishing on a boat. The grandfather takes out a cigar and lights it up. The little boy says "Can I have one of those?". "Can you put your penis in your butt yet", the grandfather replied? "No" said the little boy. "Then your not big enough for a cigar". Then the grandfather takes out a beer and opens it up. "Can I have one of those" the little boy ask. "Can you stick your penis in your but yet" the grandfather replied again. "No" said the little boy. "Then your not big enough yet for a beer". So, the little boy, disgusted, take out his lunchbox and starts to eat some cookies. The grandfather sees them and ask "Can I have a cookie". The little boy says "Can you stick your penis in your butt?". "Yes, I can stick my penis in my butt, Im old enough" the grandfather replies. The boy says "Then go f*** yourself, these are my cookies".

[Messiah]

^ HAha some of those were hilarious

Hehe, there are quite a lot of them on the side where i took them, with both the local warehouse and the cinema:P might translate a few of them at some point

- Mess

*EDIT*
Wouldn't it be possible to sticky this thread? it's lovely reading if you're bored

[Messiah]

Translated some "How to have fun in a warehouse" sentences as well


Put random wares in peoples baskets when they aren’t looking.

Tune in on a polka-station on every radio in the store, turn them off and set the volume to max.

Grap an orangejuice and make a trail on the floor that leads to the toilets.

Hide between some clothes and when someone starts looking in them shout: PICK ME! PICK ME!

When you hear an annoucement from the store on the speakers, throw yourself on the floor and scream: NO! NO! NOT THE VOICES AGAIN!

Go into a dressing room and shout: HEY! I’m out of TP in here!

Look into a surveillance camera while swinging from side to side.

Walk around and show people a picture of yourself and ask: have you seen this woman?


Enjoy

[macca]

2007 Australian Citizenship test


1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the a*se"?

2. What is a "bloody little beauty"?

3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey?

4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some coldies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo."

5. Macca, Spud, Davo, Chook and Spider are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash?

6. Complete the following sentences:
a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ...
b) You're going home in the back of a ...
c) Fair suck of the ...

7. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss.

8. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie?

9. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard up on blocks"? Is his name Shane or Jason and does he have a wife called Cheryl or Kylie?

10. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming?

11. What are the ingredients in a rissole?

12. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam.

13. Do you have an Aunty Irene who smokes 30 cigarettes a day and sounds like a bloke?

14. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been flogged from a bath full of ice?

15. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own?

16. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot?

17. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots?

18. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"?

19. Who would you like to crack on to?

20. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie?

21. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool?

22. What does "sinkin’ **** at a mate’s joint” mean?

23. Explain what a pair of “budgie smugglers” is and if they are better or worse than “boardies”.

24. Contrast the following: “getting blind”, “getting para” and “getting blotto”.

25. Outline the difference between “strike me lucky” and “strike me pink”.

26. What type of “bickie” would one dip in one’s “cuppa”?

Youse all may copy your mates’ answers, but youse must have a pass rate of 50%.

[ThunderChickenVa]

Whats the most popular pickup line in a gay bar?

"Can I push that stool up for you?"

[Reaper6]

A little boy came running home after school one day and went straight to his dad and said, "Dad some kids were talking bout a vagina at school. What's a vagina and whats it do?" The father thinks real hard and sayd wll son before sex a vagina is like a beautiful unopened rose. The son goes, "Wow, dad, but whats it like after sex?" The dad says, "Well son you ever seen a pitbull eat mayonnaise?"

[MistahX]

A man walked into a bar and sat next to another man staring at a monkey just sitting on top of a table...
The first man asks the second man, "What's up with that monkey on the table?"
The second man replies, "Man, that monkey has skills."
"What do you mean?" asks the first man,
The second man walks up the monkey and smaks him on the back of the head,
The monkey rolls of the table, walks up the second man, pulls down his zipper and gives him a BJ, when he's done, the monkey jumps back on the table and just sits there...
"Wow, he does have skills!" says the first man,
"Yeah he does doesn't he, would you like to try it?" asks the second man,
"Yeah" says the first man, "just don't hit me that hard!"...

[ThunderChickenVa]

A man is in the doctor's office, and the doctor says "sir, you are going to HAVE to stop masturbating!"... but why?? the man asks...the doctor replies "becuase im trying to examine you!"