The Joke Thread

[Damien]

Originally Posted by rekud300

Hear about the Blonde skeleton in the closet??
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
She was the 2005 hide and seek champion.

Hahah I never get tired of blonde jokes!

[Doug]

A man, getting along in years, finds that he is unable to perform sexually.
He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems
to work. Finally, as a last hope, the doctor refers him to an African
medicine man. The medicine man says, "I can cure this."

With that said, he throws a white powder into a flame, and there is a
flash with billowing blue smoke. Then he says, "This is powerful
healing but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say
'123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The man then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to
continue?" The medicine man replies, "When your partner can take no
more and is completely raddled, all she has to say is '1234', and it
will then go down. But be warned, the pork sword will not rise again
for another year.

The old gent rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers. That night
he showers, shaves and smothers himself in aftershave. He slides into
bed, cuddles up to his wife, says "123" and suddenly he has the most
gigantic stiffie ever, just as the medicine man promised.
His wife turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

[Doug]

Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him.'

Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I
Once rode her mother.

Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that
Nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford
Crew.'

USPGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing
So well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and
Kisses them..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!'

Carenza Lewis about finding food in the middle Ages on 'Time Team Live'
Said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed
And didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'so Bob, where's that eight
Inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set,
But half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

Steve Ryder covering the USMasters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today
After a 69 yesterday.'

Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
This.'

Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddles up to a male
Astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: They Seem Cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his
Shorts.'

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

[Damien]

hahahahaha

LMFAO

Those quotes just made my morning!

[Doug]

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

[Doug]

For his birthday Little Matt asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is

$300,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."


The next day the father saw Little Matt heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"


Little Matt told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to

Wait because she was coming too.


And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $300,000 mortgage and no f**king bike!"

[Doug]

A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive,
expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body
dressed.

He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is
already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked
his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank cheque and says, "I don't care what it costs, please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.
You did a n excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank cheque.
"There's no charge," he says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.


So I switched the heads"

[Tripper]

LOL..Nice one Doug.

[Saurus]

Kenny the rooster cost a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be
worth it. So, he buys Kenny.
The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, first,
giving the rooster a pep talk.

"I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot of chickens to
service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I'll need
you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun," the
farmer said, with a chuckle.

Kenny seemed to understand, so the farmer pointed toward the Hen house
and Kenny took off like a shot. WHAM!- Kenny nails every hen in the hen
house- three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked .. After
that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Kenny
is in there.

Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese, down by the lake.
Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants.
The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster won't
even last 24 hours.

Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find
Kenny on his back, stone cold in the middle of the yard, vultures are
circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful
and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you
to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've
done to yourself."

Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the vultures circling in the sky and
says, "Shhh, they're getting closer"

[Doug]

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick