The Joke Thread

[Stovebolt]

I think we found ATCGirl's favorite thread!

Good jokes, thanks for sharing!

[Doug]

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
Witness: "No."
Lawyer: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
Witness: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Lawyer: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
Witness: "Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

[Stovebolt]

A couple humorous sports quotes:

Oilers coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss goodbye."


Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, was asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning. His response: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?"


New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."



There were a billion of these but I'll save some for later!

[macca]

Oldy but goody:

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."

The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."

"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. " Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.

He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down.



Another one:
Q. How do you circumcise a whale?

A. Send in four skin divers.

[localhero]

Originally Posted by FIFTY

Here are some blonde jokes...

Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.

Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an "F" in sex.

Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'

Q: How do blonde brain cells die?
A: Alone.

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.

Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been sighted.

Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

What is the difference between a blond and a mosquito?

A mosquito will stop sucking after you smack it in the head.

[macca]

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun,
called on her while she was sleeping.

"Tell me, Mary Margaret, who created the universe?
When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, "Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later, the nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and
Savior?"
But she didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, little Johnny
came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt.

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again
said,"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam
after she had her twenty third child?" Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time, Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that
damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

The Nun fainted.

[Doug]

Nescafé manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafé official whispers,
"Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafé is prepared to
donate £100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer
from 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our
daily coffee'."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of
the Lord, It must not be changed."

Well," says the Nescafé man, "We anticipated your reluctance. For
this reason, we will increase our offer to £300 million. All we
require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'Give us this day
our daily bread' to Give us this day our daily coffee'."

Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. For the
prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Nescafé guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Nescafé respect
your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We
will donate £500 million - that's half a billion quid - to the great
Catholic church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from
'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our daily
coffee'. Please consider it." And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

"There is some Good news," he announces, "and some bad news..... The
good news is that the Church will come into £500 million."

"And the bad news, your Holiness?" asks a Cardinal.

"We're losing the Hovis Account."

[Doug]

A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out. While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom comes out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs. When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "You've got teeth down there!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself..." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.


"No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there!"

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!".....

[Target]

A little boy was sitting on a park bench with a box of candy bars.
An old man walks up to him and asks what he was doing with them.
The little boy replies "I am going to eat them".
The old man responds "You can't eat all those you'll die"
little boy "My grandfather lived to be 103"
old man "By eating candybars everyday?"
littleboy "No by minding his own damn buissness!!!"

[rekud300]

Hear about the Blonde skeleton in the closet??
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She was the 2005 hide and seek champion.