The Joke Thread

[atcgirl]

Loved the Chinese Proverbs, especially:

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

and...Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

Also loved the Definitions By Gender! Lol!

[Damien]

LMFAO!

I just caught up on all the new ones...funny ****!

[Saurus]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

[Saurus]

Here's one especially for atcgirl...

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

[atcgirl]

My white hairs are going to disappear magically tomorrow morning.

[atcgirl]

Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A: 100 people who don't do dick.

[atcgirl]

A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it's too risky to operate. She has two girls and a boy.

All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears. "What's wrong" asks the mother.

"I was having a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter.

The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears.

"Mom, I was having a pee and this bullet came out".

Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.

A week later the boy walks into the room in tears.

"It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were having a pee and a bullet came out."

"No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

[atcgirl]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed for the night. After laying in bed for a couple of minutes, the old man cuts a loud fart and says, “Seven points.”
His wife rolls over and asks, “What in the world is that all about?”
The old man says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead 7 to nothing.” A few minutes later, the wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”
After about 10 minutes the old man farts again and says, “Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7.”
Now, starting to get into this, his wife quickly farts again and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”
Not more than 20 seconds later she sneezes and a little one sneaks out, she proudly proclaims, “Field goal, I’m up 17 to 14.”
The old man isn’t happy, he strains really hard but to no avail; he can’t fart. He can’t stand being outdone by his wife so he gives it one more try. He pushes and pushes and tries so hard that he craps in the bed.
The wife asks, “Now what in the hell was that?” The old man sternly replies, “Shut up and switch sides, its halftime.”

[atcgirl]

Doctor Bob had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him: "Bob, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go...." But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Bob, you're a vet."

[Damien]

Originally Posted by atcgirl

Q: What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
A: 100 people who don't do dick.

Hahaha...I emailed that one to all my mates